I could not reciprocate the feelings and didn’t want to give them false hopes. But I never liked rejecting people, so I pushed people away. Let us talk about the reasons why people push people away!
Why do you want to know why people push people away? Did someone do it to you? Or is it you who did it to someone?
I either push people away or, more extremely, cut them off. I understand where avoidants are coming from.
There are many reasons why people push people away. In my case, I have grown accustomed to being alone, so I think I don’t need anyone.
But before I talk about my own experience with this toxic behavior, here are reasons why people push people away:
- They are afraid of getting hurt.
- They love being alone.
- They don’t like emotions.
- They put their goals before love.
- They don’t want to hurt other people.
Let’s begin.
5 Reasons Why People Push People Away
People who push people away are everywhere. Everywhere you go, there is certainly one person who does that. That one person might be you.
These people are usually those who are alone most of the time or seem distant even when they are around their peers.
They don’t smile a lot and barely engage. But they are listening, observing, and probably wondering why it is easy for other people to connect while they are struggling to even acknowledge their feelings.
I know someone like that: me a few years ago.
Back then, I didn’t care about other people and just wanted to live a life where I could be free. No emotions involved. No people involved.
I received lots of insults for being an introvert, so I resented people.
I had friends, but I was not attached to anyone. I could cancel plans because I was lazy and wanted to be in introvert mode, and not feel bad.
I dealt with less drama (at least external drama as I was dramatic deep inside) by living my life in that way. But I admit that looking back, it was a boring life I had.
And I was toxic, too, in most cases.
According to WebMD, a toxic person makes you feel uncomfortable, not enough, uneasy, or manipulated.
I don’t have regrets, but I wish I had reacted better to many situations.
I should have shown my emotions more and allowed myself to create memories with my old friends. I should have explored more and collected experiences that would have made my teenage life worthwhile.
I have thoughts like that.
One thing that you can learn from my lack of experience is that you should live as a young person when you are young. Have your heart broken, take risks, make mistakes, and don’t dwell too much on your pain.
My teenage experiences don’t seem enough.
If I could go back in time, I might enter into a relationship, date, drink more alcohol, go clubbing with friends, do sleepovers, etc. “Might” because I like how I have become, and how I lived my life in the past played a huge role in that.
Nonetheless, in my late 20s, I think I am too old to waste so much time.
For instance, if I date, I will assess whether he is someone I could have a good future with. I can’t just date for fun. I can’t just kiss and sleep with anyone because at this point, those types of “firsts” matter.
The reasons why I pushed people away in the past and why I do it today are different yet connected. I grew up resenting people, so now that I am a grownup, I don’t like them anymore.
Let us talk about the reasons why people push people away in detail.
1. They are afraid of getting hurt.
When you have been hurt in the past many times, it becomes difficult to be vulnerable with people and to get attached in a healthy way to someone.
You will overthink and worry, “What if they leave and I get hurt again?” So, you would rather be alone than be with them. Prevention is better than cure!
Verywell Mind enumerated different types of attachment styles.
I don’t have trauma from relationships, but I was abandoned by a friend in the past. It happened twice if I remember correctly.
That is why I don’t get attached to friends no matter how close we are.
But the “twice” that I talked about was complete abandonment. I also experienced being temporarily set aside for better, louder friends.
I have always been an introvert. In groups, I often feel out of place.
The kind of friendship that I am comfortable with is one with a maximum of two extroverts. I am part of a group with three extroverts, and I don’t enjoy being with them. I would rather be alone.
I think, deep inside, I have a fear of abandonment that’s why I cut people off easily and keep people at a distance.
2. They love being alone.
No one was there when I needed someone, so I stopped needing people. People I wanted didn’t want me, so I stopped wanting anyone.
I think I got tired of being the only one who cares and understands.
When people disappoint you many times, you will reach a point where you will get tired of expecting anything.
When you have been neglected in any way, you will not want to depend on other people anymore.
Some people want to be with me, so they ask me to accompany them when, for example, they want to travel or go somewhere. But they will get mad if I just follow them wherever they want to go or if I go against them.
Introverts take the time to understand extroverts, but many extroverts don’t do that to introverts. Harvard Business Review says to stop telling introverts to act like extroverts!
They will think I am too “weak” to lead the way or too “boring” to do what they want to do because I am introverted.
They forget that it was them who wanted to be with me. Aren’t they wondering if I want to be with them?
Some of my extroverted friends think that they are doing me a favor whenever they invite me somewhere. One even said, “I am your only friend and the only one who tolerates you.”
But between us, I am the one who can survive without a friend and who needs to adjust because my introversion would be attacked if I resisted.
So, I put a wide distance between us. I pushed her away.
3. They don’t like emotions.
Some people push people away because they are emotionally unavailable.
If this is the case, it is better if you just respect the boundaries and leave them be because things will get worse if you force yourself into their life.
You don’t know why they want to be unavailable.
I was emotionally unavailable, and people forcing me to open up just made me want to strengthen the walls that surrounded me.
I have always been stubborn and decisive. When someone tries to change my mind, I become aggressive.
WebMD says middle children are rebellious. I was the middle child for 15 years before my little brother was born.
I don’t like it when people tell me what to do because I don’t tell them what to do.
If their decisions will have a negative impact on me, I just accept whatever happens and deal with it.
In terms of love and relationships, I have ghosted a few times in the past.
Ghosting is terrible, but back then, my fear of emotions was stronger than my empathy. I couldn’t see the consequences.
I don’t fear emotions anymore, but I fear hurting others.
4. They put their goals before love.
Even though people can help each other achieve their separate goals, there are goals that become difficult to achieve if there are other people involved.
You can’t pretend to like what you don’t like forever.
One of the reasons why I am not interested in a relationship right now is that others may understand what I do, but they will not want to be part of my journey.
I am the “others” in other people’s lives. I may understand what someone is doing, but I may not want to get involved.
I don’t want to act like I am interested in other people’s interests if I am really not because that is exhausting. Some couples can have super-different fields, and that is fine. But it will not work for me.
According to Bonobology, one of the negative things that happen when you have been single for too long is that you become less cooperative.
I have gotten so used to being alone that I couldn’t care less if I die alone. I have achieved so much by myself that I feel like no one can be on the same page as me.
I am in my late 20s, but I don’t feel pressured to get married and have children.
If I were to enter into a relationship, it would be after 2025. I want to have been single for 15 years before I break the record.
At this time, I put goals before love.
5. They don’t want to hurt other people.
I have not been in a relationship for over a decade, but I have liked a few people along the way.
Some people think I am flirty, but I have always been a one-man person.
When I like someone, I may still have crushes, but that someone is the only one I want even if the feeling is not mutual.
In this explanation by Business Insider, a crush is something you can control. It is up to you whether to stop it once you recognize it or to take it to the next level and turn it into love.
Back in college, I hated it when people had feelings for me.
I didn’t want them to get hurt because of me, but the situation required me to hurt them because I had to reject them.
I could not reciprocate the feelings and didn’t want to give them false hopes.
I never liked rejecting people, so I pushed people away instead. Today, I don’t openly talk to guys in particular not because I might develop feelings for them.
They might fall in love with me.
Last Words
A lot of introverts are being hated simply because they are introverts, even if they are just breathing. They feel like their very existence is wrong because people make them feel bad about their existence.
I experienced that. I pushed people away as a result, particularly those who wanted me to “speak more.” But the resentment grew and I became generally distant.
Now you know why people push people away!
If you enjoyed reading the reasons why people push people away, here is a video of me talking about how I pushed my previous admirers away:
