It’s painful to be in an unrequited love situation, but because most valuable lessons are learned from pain, I’ve learned a lot from it. Let’s talk about the love lessons I learned from unrequited love.
One of the lessons I learned from unrequited love is that it is normal to want the other person to love you back, but you shouldn’t demand it from them because that is not how love works.
You can’t call it love if you force the other person to feel the same way or hate them because they can’t make the feelings mutual. Forced love doesn’t last.
I have been an unrequited lover for many years, and here are the love lessons I learned from unrequited love:
- You can like someone for a year and not love them.
- You can love someone for a long time even though the feeling is not mutual.
- You should never force someone to love you because that is selfish.
- We choose the love we are used to.
- Confession makes a huge difference.
- You think it is unrequited love but the other person has secret feelings.
Let’s begin.
6 Love Lessons I Learned From Unrequited Love
It is terrible to expect someone to love you just because you love them so much, and that is one of the most important love lessons I learned from unrequited love.
Unrequited love is too common. In fact, based on my observation, it’s even more common than mutual love.
There are more people who hide their feelings, look from afar, and get hurt in silence than people who are romantically on the same wavelength as another human being. I believe you will agree.
You have been in an unrequited love situation, haven’t you?
Unrequited love can also occur inside a relationship. Did you know that some relationships these days don’t involve mutual love at all?
Some revolve around lust or convenience, and that’s not good unless there’s an agreement between the two parties involved that mutual love, or love in general, should never be a part of the picture.
Personally, I love saying that I have been an unrequited “lover” for a long time. However, the thing is, the feelings I had in the past were not love. Strong feelings aren’t necessarily love.
But I have been a person whose feelings are not reciprocated and who never reciprocated anyone’s feelings, so even though what I have experienced is not unrequited love, it is unrequited.
It is painful to be in an unrequited love situation, but because most valuable lessons are learned from pain, I have learned a lot from it.
Let’s dive in, shall we? Here are the unrequited love lessons I learned.
1. You can like someone for a year and not love them.
The first love lesson I learned from unrequited love is that you can like someone for a year and not love them.
I had liked someone unrequitedly for four years, but we never talked. There wasn’t even a word spoken between us, and that made me doubt my feelings for him.
“Was it love or infatuation?” That was the question that bothered me back then.
It took me so long before I became sure that I was not in love and that it was just an infatuation (or possibly limerence as I believe there were times I was obsessing) because it is difficult to put labels on emotions.
According to Brides, the difference between infatuation and limerence is that limerence involves obsession, intrusive thoughts, and fantasizing.
I have come to the conclusion that no matter how strong the feelings were and how much I accepted his visible imperfections, I never saw him mad, sad, jealous, upset, and on and on, so I never saw myself dealing with all of it.
Would I be able to put up with it? I am not sure.
That said, if you think that what you are feeling is love, have you seen them not coated with sugar, spice, and everything nice? Have you seen their real selves?
Know that most couples break up because of one’s false beliefs about the other.
You will know that it is love not by the number of months you are feeling the feelings but by the state of your feelings after seeing and dealing with the part that they are hiding behind a mask.
It is not love if you are in love with an illusion, or with only the positives.
2. You can love someone for a long time even though the feeling is not mutual.
Unrequited love isn’t love sometimes, but there are unrequited loves that are love, and some of them last for a long time.
I haven’t experienced this personally, but I have heard of and read stories involving a best friend who is in love with a best friend who is in love with someone else.
A love triangle!
But I think I could have experienced this if only I hadn’t stopped myself from having feelings for an old friend. I had a friend back then I was close to. I knew that I could like him, but I kept holding back.
In this post by Love Strategies, if you get along with your friend as a friend, it doesn’t mean you can have a beautiful romantic relationship.
It didn’t matter during that time, but looking back, my day seemed incomplete without him. We were playful. He was teasing me and I was acting pissed.
I was feeling something but it was complicated. I couldn’t name it. But had I surrendered to that emotion, he would have been my first love.
He didn’t like me, so it would’ve been unrequited love.
3. You should never force someone to love you because that is selfish.
It is wonderful when the person you love loves you back, but that doesn’t happen all the time, which is why it is also deemed a miracle.
Sometimes, the feeling isn’t mutual and there is nothing that you can do but accept it. It is no one’s obligation to reciprocate anyone’s feelings. If they don’t feel the same way, then they don’t feel the same way.
I agree with PsychCentral that love is more of a choice than a feeling because if they don’t want to love you, even if they like you, they can choose not to make the “like” turn into something more.
I bet you don’t want to be forced to love someone, so don’t force them to love you, too. It is selfish.
There is nothing wrong with making an effort to make the feelings mutual, though. In fact, that is where most relationships start.
However, don’t insist on doing it if the other person doesn’t want you to do it. Sometimes, there isn’t a chance to win no matter what you do, and that should be fine.
4. We choose the love we are used to.
Being in an unrequited love situation is a funny adventure because a lot of things happen without the other person’s awareness.
You will have memories that involve another person that only you can keep, and it feels good to remember them.
This unrequited love lesson is similar to the “we accept the love we think we deserve” mentioned in The Perks of Being a Wallflower.
I have been an unrequited admirer for over a decade, and I honestly got addicted to it at one point in my life, which is why it isn’t a big deal to me now.
Back then, I didn’t want my feelings to be reciprocated, so I was praying that the feelings don’t become mutual. God heard me.
I loved being the person who looks from afar and being a stalker but not in a creepy way (or maybe it was creepy from other people’s point of view).
I enjoyed being delusional and creating drama that only I witnessed. My past self needed serious medication, for sure.
We choose the love we are used to. I loved unrequited love because that was what I had dealt with for a long time.
The kind of love you are used to is your comfort zone. If you want to finally try out a different kind of love, Positive Psychology shared ways on how you can learn to embrace discomfort.
If you have never been in a relationship, nothing will excite you more than dealing with love problems while still being single.
Had you lived your life being in a relationship, being single would stress you out.
If you are a serial monogamist, it will be a bit difficult for you not to be in a relationship. If you prefer casual relationships, serious relationships will scare you.
If you have been single for a long time and prefer having crushes, being in a relationship isn’t a priority at all. If you have been an unrequited lover, being in a mutual love situation can be too uncomfortable.
5. Confession makes a huge difference.
Confessing is scary, but it is the one thing that you should do if you don’t want your feelings to be a burden.
I learned this unrequited love lesson when I liked the second of the three people I had liked.
When we went our separate ways, I didn’t tell him how I felt. I carried the feelings inside me for a year, and the feelings bothered me until I demanded closure.
He’d been ignoring me, so I forced him to tell me how he felt. I didn’t want to be stuck anymore, so I sought answers.
I told him my feelings and he told me his. Even though he didn’t feel the same way, I felt relieved because I finally knew.
I didn’t have to deal with “what ifs” and unanswered questions anymore.
The Conversation has a good point. If there is no closure, you will keep wondering what went wrong or think about a lot of whys because you want to fill in the gaps, solve the puzzle, and answer some questions.
Don’t underestimate the power of confession because it makes a huge difference.
It is much easier to move on from someone you are certain doesn’t like you than from someone who you think doesn’t like you.
Even if it is apparent that the person you like likes someone else, being told where you stand may be painful, but it is freeing.
That’s the reason why I didn’t hesitate to confess my feelings to the third person I liked.
Even though it was a one-sided confession, meaning I didn’t hear his answer, I am not carrying the feelings anymore because I already released them, so they don’t bother me anymore.
6. You think it is unrequited love but the other person has secret feelings.
Secret feelings — who haven’t had them even once? Some unrequited lovers can actually change the direction of their love lives by confessing or being confessed to.
But how would anyone even know if admitting their feelings will result in mutual love? What if the other person rejected them?
I just talked about the difference confession can make. Talking about your feelings can help you breathe in and out fresher and lighter air, so it is not bad at all.
If the feeling isn’t mutual, it will be easier for you to move on because you know that you can’t be with that person. You are supposed to be with another person.
Last Words
Being an unrequited lover tastes bittersweet. One day, you are happy and feel in love. The next day, it feels painful because the feeling isn’t mutual.
And it is addictive, but it’s a different kind of addiction than the one you know.
It is like this: When you have been an unrequited lover for so long, you forget how it feels to be in a mutual love situation, so mutual feelings become scary.
The feeling of not being loved back is familiar, so you will choose not to be loved back. As a result, you are stuck in the unrequited love circle. The sad thing is, it is your choice.
Did you love these unrequited love lessons?
If you enjoyed reading the love lessons I learned from unrequited love, here is a video of me talking about my unrequited love experiences:
