Before I talk about what I learned from single moms, it is easy to say that people who stay in chaotic relationships are foolish for doing so, but if you were in their position, that’s what you would likely do.
I will talk about the lessons I learned from single moms in my family. I will refrain from backing my arguments with specifics as I don’t want other people’s truths to come from me. This is a sensitive topic, and I know that.
But I will talk a little bit about my mom, who is a single mom herself. I asked permission from her. So here’s what I learned from single moms:
- A person could be faithful now but not later. We can’t be so sure.
- Some couples get married because of children.
- Some couples break up because of children.
- You have to consider your children when making decisions, even if those decisions involve only yourself.
Let’s begin.
4 Lessons I Learned From Single Moms About Marriage and Parenthood
Before I talk about what I learned from single moms, I want to be clear about what I mean by “single moms” in this post.
According to my mom, single moms are mothers who provide for the family without the fathers’ help.
Here, single moms are mothers who aren’t with the fathers of their children. It doesn’t matter whether the fathers are helping or not, so long as they are still alive.
So, I am surrounded by single moms. My maternal grandmother’s daughters, including my mom, are all single moms. One of my first cousins is also a single mom. And who knows? I might become a single mom, too.
I have been single since 2010, so the thought of having a husband is creepy. But I want a child, so I am considering adoption.
I want to say that it runs in our family’s blood, but single parenthood is not inherited. There are relationships that just don’t work.
I believe, though, that family affects people’s behavior and beliefs, which both influence how they behave in a relationship.
According to the National Library of Medicine, the first people a child will spend time with, ask for support from, and observe are those in the family. So the foundation of a child’s behavior is greatly influenced by them.
I don’t want to focus on single moms alone, but I haven’t been exposed to single fathers, so I don’t know whether or not there is a huge difference between them on a much deeper level.
I just know that single fathers don’t receive enough appreciation from society compared to single moms, which is sad.
But enough with the introduction. Let’s get to the real deal! Here is what I learned from single moms!
1. A person could be faithful now but not later. We can’t be so sure.
One of the lessons I learned from single moms is that it is not guaranteed that the person who is faithful now will still be faithful years from now.
I know someone who had been faithful to his wife for over two decades before he went in the wrong direction.
We thought he wouldn’t cheat, but he did, which is why we were surprised. It was heartbreaking when we found out.
I am talking about my father.
But one thing I have observed is that faithful people don’t change for shallow reasons. Here are among the reasons that change them, at least in my opinion:
- Some influences and temptations become hard to resist as the situation changes and as more problems arise.
- Some people become so weak internally as they grow older that they can’t turn their backs on anything anymore, including anything unethical.
- Their needs aren’t satisfied, so they go somewhere else to satisfy them.
- They think they aren’t satisfying their partner’s needs and it makes them feel worthless, so they find someone else they think they can satisfy.
- They don’t feel good inside the relationship because their partner seems to be going up while they aren’t going anywhere at all, so they find someone else who isn’t more ambitious than them so that they can feel good even if they don’t do anything.
Some people cheat not because they are cruel but because of some issues that they have deep inside them.
I am not defending the cheaters because I know that cheating is bad. However, try to talk to people who have cheated.
If they find the courage to be vulnerable and talk about the real reason why they did it, you will find that some of them didn’t mean to hurt other people.
Scientific American interviewed cheaters and they found out that they don’t cheat solely for sexual satisfaction. There are many things at play, including low self-esteem, discontentment, and unfulfilled emotional needs.
There are deeper reasons why people do what they do and why people are who they are. Some of those people you call bad people aren’t bad at all.
Some of them just don’t know how to deal with emotions, are immature, are hurt, and don’t have people and life skills, among others.
They are just easy to hate because they seem unapologetic for the bad things they did and do.
2. Some couples get married because of children.
Marriage is sacred, and if it is done by two people who don’t love each other, it is hard to tell if it will last a long time.
That is one of the lessons I learned from single moms.
Some couples get married only because of children, and those people who are in that kind of marriage are more likely to cheat. They don’t love the person they are with, so they could develop feelings for someone else.
Even though you said you will stay with your spouse through thick and think, some problems can be resolved by accepting that it can’t be saved anymore. Verywell Mind shares signs a marriage can’t be saved.
Nonetheless, there are couples who got married just because of children who eventually fell in love with each other and have formed a deep bond, so I’m not saying that marriages that were initially not based on romantic love will fail for sure.
I am just saying that this happens in reality, and most cases like this aren’t a success.
I am not sure if marrying for children is common in all Asian countries, but I know a lot of people in the Philippines who got married because of accidental pregnancy. Most of them are now separated or still married but unhappy.
I am not married yet, but I know that for a marriage to last, love should be there.
Other elements such as compatibility, honesty, communication, loyalty, maturity, and understanding should be there. But it is just a normal partnership if there is no love. Marriage is an equal, loving partnership — or should.
While it is okay to marry someone you don’t love, a loveless marriage will not fulfill you. mindbodygreen shares signs of an unhappy marriage.
I am not saying this because I am exposed to Christian values. I am saying this because that is what marriage really is and should be.
Many marriages fail because there is no emotional intimacy. If you think emotional intimacy is not a big deal, it is because you haven’t experienced it yet.
Watch this video from Ted Talk if you want to know more about the real intimacy that will satisfy you.
3. Some couples break up because of children.
On the contrary, there are single moms who became single moms because the father of their child ran away from the responsibilities.
While I understand that parenting is terrifying if you aren’t ready for it, the mother who carried the child wasn’t ready either, so that is not a valid reason at all.
Single moms in this category are quite young.
I know that there are cases wherein it is the mother who doesn’t want the child for some reason, like not being ready or not liking the father of the child to be the father of her child.
There is someone I know who played an important part in the birth of a child. He broke up with the mother, but he insisted that she let the child be born.
Things have been difficult for the mother because of how the father dealt with the situation.
But from the point of view of someone who’s not emotionally involved in the situation, it is much better to let go of those people who want to go because forcing them to stay will hurt more.
It is not easy, but you will not be happy if you keep choosing to get stuck.
My parents didn’t get separated because of us, their children, but had my mother not moved on and accepted the situation, she wouldn’t be in a better situation.
She was once stuck, and it didn’t look good. I saw how her life changed when she decided to let go, and it changed for the best. And I am not exaggerating.
And my parents are still married (there is no divorce here and annulment is expensive). If you aren’t married yet, you have more freedom than you think.
The Philippines is the only country where divorce is illegal. Most Filipinos believe that you should keep your word when you promised to God that you will stay together through thick and thin according to The Economist.
It will be much easier to create a life that will make you and your child happy if you let go.
4. You have to consider your children when making decisions, even if those decisions involve only yourself.
Many of the valuable lessons from single moms involve the children.
It is easy to say that people who stay in chaotic relationships are foolish for doing so. But if you were in their position, that is what you would likely do, at least in the beginning.
It is normal to make dumb decisions when you’re emotionally involved in the situation. Haven’t you been dumb before because of love?
I learned from single moms that you have to consider your children when making decisions, especially if they can’t understand what’s going on yet.
My parents have four children: my older brother, me (I am their only daughter), my younger brother, and my little brother.
We, the teenagers at the time, understood what was happening and could choose which side to be on. But my little brother — that was a different case.
That is one of the reasons why my mother stayed longer. I was hating her for that at the time (and she knows that, so I am not backstabbing her or anything). But now, I understand that marriage is different.
You pledged that you will stay for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness, and in health. Marriage requires a higher level of commitment.
Oprah Daily says that you should consider asking yourself 25 questions before you decide to marry someone.
But that doesn’t mean that you should let yourself be dumb forever.
There will come a time when walking away will be the only option. There will come a time when you will finally choose yourself.
When that time comes, creating a more pleasant environment for your children will be one of your priorities.
I talked about married couples. If you aren’t married to the other parent of your child and you want your child to grow up in a good family, marry someone who is willing to parent your child.
Not all people want a blended family, but those who are fine with it exist.
Last Words
Speaking of blended families, I am curious about the perspective of a step-child. People talk a lot about single moms and single fathers but only rarely about the children from blended families.
Does your child have a step-parent? If you have time, ask how they feel because maybe they feel broken inside.
If you took the time to learn the lessons from single moms, you could learn a lot if you found time to talk to your children.
Did you like the lessons I learned from single moms?
If you enjoyed reading the lessons I learned from single moms, here is a video of me talking about more stories involving the single moms around me:
