A lot of people think that those people who say they want to be single forever will regret it. But the thing is, they don’t understand. Let’s talk about the lessons I learned from being single for over 10 years.
You don’t have to be single for over 10 years to learn these things, but I believe you will find it a bit difficult to internalize these and really apply these to your everyday life if you haven’t been single for long enough.
Some people, I have observed, love talking about the joy of being single but their inner selves seem to be saying otherwise.
Here are the lessons I learned from being single for over 10 years:
- You don’t need to be in a relationship to be happy.
- You have to love yourself before you love others.
- It is addictive to be single.
- Romantic love is not the only love that can make you happy.
Let’s begin.
I Have Been Single for Over 10 Years and Here Is What I Learned
There are people who are deemed relationship experts and there are those who have acquired mastery at being single as they have been single for over 10 years, and I am obviously the latter.
I want to say that I have been single since birth, but I’ve been in three relationships. Those relationships weren’t serious, mature, and long enough, but it doesn’t mean that they didn’t happen.
My first relationship lasted for a month and a few days, the second for five days (not kidding), and the third for three months.
The last relationship I was in occurred in 2010. I was 13. Immature. Dumb. Had a distorted meaning of love. And dumb again. And dumb again. And dumb again.
I had left my single life for only less than five months in total.
I’ll be straightforward: I am a commitment phobe, but not because of past hurts. It is because I‘ve been single for so long that being in a relationship, I believe, will suffocate me.
According to Healthline, the causes of commitment phobia, also called Gamophobia, can be traced back to one’s childhood. Maybe your parents are divorced and you don’t want that to happen to you, or maybe you’ve had a stressful relationship and you don’t want that to happen again.
I don’t like being constrained. I want to be as free as a bird. I want to do whatever I want without having the need to inform anyone about it, and the likes.
I’d like to say, though, that just because I have been single for so long doesn’t mean that I have never used my heart for so long.
I had feelings for three people after my last relationship, and all lasted for a year or more. The first one for a year, the second for two years, and the third for four years.
I love this line from How to Be Single: “But how good at being alone do we really want to be? Isn’t there a danger that you’ll get so good at being single, so set in your ways, that you’ll miss out on the chance to be with somebody great?”
I am in danger.
1. You don’t need to be in a relationship to be happy.
One of the lessons I learned from being single for over 10 years is that anyone can be happy even without being in a relationship.
Happiness can be expressed outwardly, but it shouldn’t be acquired from an outside source.
When I was in high school, because almost all the people around me were having their puppy loves (I find this word funny for some reason), I thought that I needed to have my puppy love, too, so I could be happy.
I thought that I have to be in a relationship before I become “normal.”
I was wrong, I realized, because being in a relationship isn’t the key to happiness. My identity at the time was just not solid enough, so I thought that I had to fit in.
It’s normal to want to fit in and seek happiness from another person when you’re in high school because that’s part of personal development.
It’s different, however, when you’re already an adult.
Tiny Buddha says that if you try to fit in, you don’t belong there. You don’t need to force yourself in a group if you belong there.
It’s possible to be happy in a relationship, but if the relationship is the only source of your happiness, once that relationship is gone, your happiness is gone.
That’s a simple logic that you probably have heard of before because it’s not from me. If you haven’t let that sink in, this is the sign that you should now do it.
I’m not happy all the time, but being balanced is more important to me than being happy, so I don’t have any problem with it.
In fact, I believe we should aim more for balance than happiness because happiness is a side of the scale.
We should also let ourselves feel negative emotions from time to time because both the positive and the negative are part of life.
Let’s be realistic.
2. You have to love yourself before you love others.
This is, I believe, one of the most common reasons for breakups even though it is not apparent.
A lot of people enter into a relationship without loving themselves first because they don’t think that it matters, but it does.
If you don’t love yourself, there’s a void inside you that you’re filling in with the love that comes from another person. You are dependent in a sense.
In fact, most of those people who cheated have cheated because they don’t love themselves enough. They are lacking self-esteem.
People who lack self-esteem need attention, love, and appreciation, among others, from others. If you don’t make them feel acknowledged, they will find someone who will — and a cheater is born.
In this post by Spynger, serial cheaters crave attention.
A lot of people are preaching about self-love, but I doubt that all of them are practicing it.
Some people are just jumping on the bandwagon, which is immature, and really don’t know what they are talking about.
3. It is addictive to be single.
I have been single for over 10 years, and I must say that it is addictive to be single. I want to be single for another 10 years!
I was able to be happy on my own for a decade, so living my life in the same way for another decade, and another decade, and another decade won’t hurt.
I’ve been with myself through ups and downs, for richer and for poorer, and in sickness and in health, so I believe that I will be fine on my own until I die.
I honestly don’t see the value in being in a relationship. In fact, I am associating relationships with drama, and I don’t like dealing with drama (although I’m dramatic sometimes).
And what’s the lesson here? If you want someone who has been single for over 10 years, you will have to work hard. That’s the lesson.
We aren’t playing hard to get. We just want to make sure that entering into a relationship will improve our well-being. We will compare our current life to an idea of life with someone: If the current life is better, then no.
Perpetually single people can be madly in love with someone and still choose not to be in a relationship with the other person and keep the love a secret. PsychCentral says that love is more of a choice than a feeling, and I agree!
It is not you versus a third party. It is you versus their current life and a third party, if any.
4. Romantic love is not the only love that can make you happy.
If I were to choose between love and money, I would choose money so I can have the means to help those people who are in need to make them feel loved.
I’m already loving myself, so I don’t need another person’s love.
Romantic love isn’t something that I give priority to, and being emotionally involved with a person will just drain my energy, so I don’t have any problem with not choosing it.
I am not saying that romantic love is pointless because I know that it feels good to have feelings for someone.
However, when you have been single for over 10 years, you will think that it’s not all that matters and that it is not the only love that can make you happy.
Your family and friends are there. Your career is there. Food is there. Sleep is there. You can feel loved in different ways, you see.
Psychology Today says that while romantic love can make people happy, it can make them feel depressing emotions, too. Romantic love isn’t equal to happiness. Anyone can be happy without it.
And one thing I also found is that romantic love can be exhausting.
I have been liking people romantically for over 10 years as well and I am now tired of it. I am at the point in my life where I don’t want to have feelings anymore. I just want to breathe. *breathes*
Last Words
A lot of people think that those people who say they want to be single forever will regret it. But the thing is, they don’t understand.
It really feels good to be single because life is quiet and there are no quarrels. You also don’t have to think of other people before you make a move.
But I admit that there are times when I think of being in a relationship; I am a hopeless romantic after all. I have been single for over 10 years, so I don’t know what it feels like to deal with relationship problems.
It is also interesting to know how I will behave in a relationship. Will I be as cold as now? Or will I soften up?
I think I will soften up.
I have been single for over 10 years. You?
If you enjoyed reading why I have been single for over 10 years and the lessons I learned along the way, here is a video of me talking about, well, my singleness:
