The problem with people seeking loyalty is that they are not seeking loyalty. They want more specific: for the person they like to be loyal to them. Here is how to know when you are in love!
I honestly don’t know what love is, but I will still share my idea of how to know when you are in love.
I have liked several people genuinely, and while I am not sure if what I felt was love, I think it was on the verge of love.
Just don’t take whatever I say here seriously because I will just share my opinions on this matter. Here is how to know when you are in love:
- You still love the person even in their ugliest form.
- You feel bad just thinking about the people they could be jealous of.
- You can’t imagine yourself being with other people.
- You are loyal even when they are not looking.
Let’s begin.
How to Know When You Are in Love
I am like other people who are not comfortable talking to a therapist, or even other people who are open for a heart-to-heart talk.
But weeks ago, I had this strong urge to gain clarity about what happened in the past. I was in a situationship, at least from my perspective, that broke me.
I was desperate for answers. Upon searching for resources that could help, I found the book Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft.
And then I discovered that I was part of a toxic situationship, and what I feel for him is not love. This is a trauma bond.
What he was doing was abuse.
I haven’t been in a real relationship, so I didn’t know what being abused in a relationship, romantic or non-romantic, looked like.
I was surprised when I realized that he was an abusive man.
I remember when his ex accused him of being abusive, and maybe she was telling the truth — and he was lying when he denied it. He lies to me, too, after all.
I looked back on all the things that he did to me.
Harassment, manipulation, lying, gaslighting, showing me pictures of almost-naked girls, power-tripping, selfishness, and breadcrumbing.
According to Verywell Mind, there are different types of abuse: physical, emotional, sexual, financial, digital, and online harassment. Even someone who lives on the other side of the world can abuse you.
Would I want to be with that kind of person? Could I love that person?
I remembered my father, and I somewhat saw him in him. In fact, while I was reading the book, I was thinking about both of them.
They are both abusive.
I saw how my father abused my mother, and I don’t want to be in that situation. He would cheat eventually just like my father, I also thought.
After all, he seems to be attracted to young bodies. And maybe what made him drawn to me is my beauty — and my virginity.
And then once he has taken it, I will just be one of the almost-naked women in his gallery. I will be heartbroken once again, for the second time.
When his intentions and past behavior became clear to me, I felt relieved and the love that I thought was there suddenly disappeared.
I never loved him. I never knew him after all.
I am not 100% certain what love is, but I know what love is not. Here is how to know when you are in love.
1. You still love the person even in their ugliest form.
My younger brother once asked me what I look for in a man because he has some sort of hatred toward women for liking only the “bad boys.”
I told him that all the guys I liked were religious or spiritual, and then I mentioned my past crush who is now a pastor.
I also said that height matters to me (because I am a tall woman where I am). That’s not surprising to him because he sees that I am taller than many guys.
But now that I think about it again, I think weight matters to me, too. I want someone with a normal BMI because I have a normal BMI.
wikiHow has a guide on how to set realistic standards when choosing a person to date.
I don’t overthink the facial features.
In fact, the guys I liked were not handsome. They looked handsome because of other things such as their personality, the way they moved, or their height.
I haven’t slept with anyone, but I am sure I wouldn’t care about their messy hair, the scars they hide, or even their stinky morning breath if I love them.
2. You feel bad just thinking about the people they could be jealous of.
I’ll be honest. I am having a hard time writing this post because I don’t want to mention people from the past, which my future husband might be jealous of.
Even on this blog’s podcast channel, I also struggle to mention people. This is one reason why I keep deleting episodes and then re-recording them.
I don’t want to mention my unrequited loves anymore because I don’t want to make him jealous, but I have no one else to talk about.
mindbodygreen says that hopeless romantics love the idea of love. Even though I don’t want to get married in reality, I like thinking of having a husband whom I love.
Dear future husband, are you reading this? We haven’t met and created memories together, so I can only talk about my past experiences.
I think I love my future husband already that’s why I feel uneasy talking about my past love stories, even though I don’t want him to actually exist.
3. You can’t imagine yourself being with other people.
I believe that one major reason why I am still single right now is that I can’t be with other people even though there is no main person in my life.
Everyone is “other people” to me, so I can’t imagine myself with anyone. I hope you get the point.
I love doing things by myself, sleeping with no one, not having the “relationship” responsibility of being on my phone most of the day, looking ugly, not going out, and doing whatever I can to keep the spark alive.
Let us say I am in love with my freedom. I have been solo flighting for over a decade, so it is now hard to imagine a life with someone else.
Bonobology says that single people are more likely to die earlier because if they get sick, they may not want it treated as they don’t think there is anyone worth living for.
It is like if someone has been in a relationship with one person for over ten years, it will be difficult to think of breaking up.
You have set your mind on marrying the other person and spending the rest of your life with them and your children.
Even though breakups can still occur, if you love that person, you are less likely to initiate it. Unless you fall more in love with someone else.
In my case, I have set my mind to not marrying another person. So, even though I am open to being in a relationship, it is not something I go after.
Unless I meet someone whose presence is better than mine.
4. You are loyal even when they are not looking.
I am loyal for two reasons: I like the person too much to the point that I will not do anything that will make him want to leave me, and I am an introvert.
I don’t desire more people in my life.
I have met people who don’t seem to believe that there are still loyal people in this world. People really generalize out of frustration.
I searched for articles about loyalty, and all I could find was about the rarity of loyalty. But I believe that loyalty is not rare!
Loyalty is not rare. I actually know many people who seem to be lacking the personal issues that make a cheater.
But many of those loyal people are too old for them or look unattractive to them that’s why they get overlooked.
Or maybe they have been hurt by someone, which is why they stopped believing in love and thus out of the dating pool.
Also, people seek loyalty and take it for granted at the same time.
What if there was someone in your past who was loyal to you, and you just never looked at it in that way?
The problem with people seeking loyalty is that they are not seeking loyalty. They want more specific: for the person they like to be loyal to them.
Or for a good-looking, successful person to be loyal to them.
5. You are thinking of them as you read this.
Who is on your mind? Maybe you are in love with that person.
Last Words
People have their own definition of love, so I really can’t provide an accurate answer as to how to know when you are in love.
But one thing is for sure. A trauma bond is not love but an unhealthy attachment to someone abusive to you.
If you have just gotten out of an abusive relationship, you may want to talk to a therapist or read books about abuse to understand your feelings.
Who was on your mind? That is how to know when you are in love!
If you enjoyed reading how to know when you are in love, here is a video of me talking about how I knew I wasn’t in love with the people I thought I loved:
