Why should we learn how to deal with the past? We may reject good offers because of trust issues. We may stop believing in love because they once broke us. Learn more below!
Why do you need to know how to deal with the past when the past is the past?
We all dealt with something in the past that still makes us sad, hurt, and embarrassed today. If we don’t learn to manage our response to those memories, they will continually affect how we live.
We may reject good offers because of trust issues. We may stop believing in love because they once broke us. I understand because I became scared, too.
I am doing something about it because I want to gain more control over my life.
As I was finding ways to break free from my sad past, these popped into my mind. Here is how to deal with the past so it doesn’t ruin your life:
- Find clarity. Get the closure you seek if possible.
- Don’t use other people as Band-Aids because they have feelings.
- Allow yourself to be sad. Release the pain.
- Don’t feel like you need to forgive to finally move on.
Let’s begin.
How to Deal With the Past So It Doesn’t Ruin Your Life
Sometimes, whenever I think about the difficult things I went through, it fascinates me because I dealt with them calmly.
I get angry, for sure, but I don’t seek revenge or anything. I think it is because I had anger management issues before, and I am now tired of being angry.
Or maybe I still remember how ugly my behavior was back then that’s why I don’t react in that way anymore.
Or maybe I am too dramatic that I would rather be the victim so that I have experiences I can be sad about when I am in the mood to be dramatic.
Currently, I feel like I am not mad at anyone. I feel mad only when I realize they deserve my madness, and then I will be mad at them for a few minutes.
It is something that I would do only because I realized I haven’t done it enough.
Like satisfying one’s hunger. I just ate, but I haven’t eaten enough as I hear my tummy rumbling, so I will eat a little more.
According to Psychology Today, people who rarely get mad understand that everyone is allowed to have their own opinions. They don’t try to change others but respect their decisions, even if those differ from theirs.
Honestly, I forgive easily. That is just who I am. I can’t even think of a reason why.
But I like dwelling on my emotions. But because I don’t feel anything on usual days, I look back on the past and bring the sadness back to the present.
That is why I am emotionally inconsistent.
I have forgiven you, but because I feel like I haven’t hated you enough and I am in the mood to be mad, I will be mad at you today. Or I will cry today.
Not all people are like me, though. Some still live in the past because they still have lots of questions, or maybe it was just more fun back then.
I get it because there is a part of me that seeks answers and feels sentimental.
I once couldn’t move on because I wanted to know his feelings.
I once chose to get stuck because the memories were too beautiful to let go even though it was one-sided.
That was unhealthy. I realized I was pushing the present people away, which might provide better experiences. Moving on feels refreshing. Allow yourself to move on.
Let’s dive in. Here are ways to deal with the past so it doesn’t ruin your life!
1. Find clarity. Get the closure you seek if possible.
How to deal with the past? I think finding clarity is important to properly deal with the past.
A lot of people are saying that you don’t need closure to be able to move on, but some people need it.
If something ends and you don’t why, you will forever wonder why, even once you are already with someone else.
If you think you should have said something at one time in the past, you will carry that regret until it is too late. Or until you say it even though it is too late.
And it could happen even to those who never were together. I have been single since 2010. I’ve not been romantically “together” with anyone for over a decade.
But I mentioned in my unrequited love post that it was when I knew the feeling wasn’t mutual that I was able to move forward.
It was just a high school crush, but I needed closure before I could move on.
The Conversation says you will know that you got the closure you seek once you feel like you got the answers to your questions, and you feel satisfied.
Recently, too, I just knew that what kept me connected to someone was a trauma bond, not love.
We went our separate ways in 2020, but it was just in 2024 that I felt okay moving on. It was in 2024 that I finally found the answer.
Life goes on. You can continue living your life even with unanswered questions. But there is a part of you that will stay in the past until you get clarity.
2. Don’t use other people as Band-Aids because they have feelings.
I am afraid of dating because I don’t want to lead people on. They are more likely to fall in love with me than I am with them.
I don’t just let anyone into my heart. I am loyal even to someone I am not in a relationship with.
I am not the kind of person who can be with someone and think of someone else.
Thinking of You by Katy Perry came to mind!
I experienced being misled, and it felt terrible. You will think of a future with that person when you are just a present to them.
We call these people “panakip butas,” which literally means “hole cover.” Band-Aid. You are using someone to cover your pain.
It gives you relief if you use someone as a Band-Aid, but it will cause them pain once they discover your real intentions.
I don’t want to cause people pain, so I move on by myself. And the result is actually good if you do it by yourself.
Have you experienced not liking anyone?
The feeling of living my life without having someone in my heart was a mystery to me, and I really wondered about it back then.
But now that I am at this point, it feels light. My heart is empty, but I don’t feel empty.
3. Allow yourself to be sad. Release the pain.
Embrace your emotions. Allow yourself to cry if you feel so sad.
If you suppress your feelings, there will come a time when you just explode and then other people, even the innocent ones, will get hurt, too.
My past self was toxic because there were a lot of emotions that I had refused to process. As a result, I became mad at the world, and hurting people felt satisfying.
When I read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft, I discovered who were the abusive ones in my life — and I was one of them. My past self.
I was an abusive sibling during my rebellious phase. Psychology Today has a post that can help you find out if you are guilty of sibling bullying.
This is why it is hard to remain mad at people. I was where they are, and I was able to change, so why would I think they can never change?
People can change if they want to, and I believe in that because my present self is a product of change.
But at the back of my mind, what they did was painful. Maybe they have changed, but it can’t undo my pain.
So I still cry over what they did to me, if I am in the mood to cry.
4. Don’t feel like you need to forgive to finally move on.
Forgiving is freeing, but doing it feels like you are being inconsiderate of that version of yourself that was badly affected.
Also, people have this tendency to want to appear “victimized” in the eyes of the person who hurt them.
Like, they want to show how hurt they are, hoping that the other person soothes their wound and be the center of their attention.
You don’t need to forgive whoever hurt you, but make sure that you don’t do it to get sympathy and pity from other people.
According to Tiny Buddha, people are by nature attention seekers, so they enjoy being pitied.
Holding grudges is actually helpful in some cases.
I wouldn’t have had the desire to get my passion projects off the ground in 2020 if I hadn’t allowed myself to get angry at those who ganged up on me.
So, while you are angry, think of something that you want to do but can’t because of a lack of motivation.
Proving them wrong might be the motivation you need.
Last Words
I saved this sentence I saw on Reddit because it made an impact on me: “There’s a reason why car windscreens are much bigger than the rear window. You need to see where you’re going, not so much on where you’ve been.”
You can’t change the past. No matter how much you dwell on it, hate it, think about it, or cry over it, what happened is final.
Let go and you will have control over your present, which defines your future. What do you want to happen in your future?
You learned how to deal with the past so it doesn’t ruin your life!
If you enjoyed reading how to deal with the past so it doesn’t ruin your life, here is a video of me talking about how doing the things above improved my life:
