One day, when you see them walking, you will be shocked there is a “problem” mountain behind them. And then it becomes their label. That is how problematic people are made.
Being alone is a strength, but the question is: How to be alone without worrying about what others think?
Some people perceive being alone as not having friends — loneliness. You will not hear many questions (murmurs, yes) but you will get a lot of stares.
If that is the first time you are alone, it may make you uncomfortable. Is there something wrong with me?
I will talk about my experience. But before that, here is how to be alone without worrying about what others think:
- Develop inner strength so that you don’t get affected if they think you are weird.
- Be physically strong to protect yourself from danger.
- In the beginning, be alone in places you are comfortable in. And then step out of your comfort zone.
- If a group of people messes with you, they feel strong because they are in a group.
- Hate people because it makes you stop caring about them.
Let’s begin.
How to Be Alone Without Worrying About What Others Think
I have friendship issues. I think I have said it too many times that I already feel like I am a broken record.
My friendship issues started when I was told, “My life doesn’t revolve around you.” That hurt, but I still could connect with friends after that.
But after that, I had friends who stopped spending time with me because they found another who was more compatible with them.
I was an introvert, and they were extroverts. They say opposites attract, but people like being with people who can join “their” fun.
My “fun” was observing people, and their “fun” was talking and laughing out loud.
I didn’t hate them for having a different personality from mine. But I admit I resented them for “dumping” me. That’s what it felt like even though we remained friends.
And I think I was overly attached to them, and dependent. I couldn’t talk to strangers, so even ordering food was difficult.
It became their responsibility. Maybe they found it exhausting to be with me.
Being overly reliant to friends is codependency. mindbodygreen has shared signs of a codependent friendship.
I switched majors — from civil engineering to political science — and I had new friends in that program. They were my friends when I was learning how to be alone.
I had friends in other programs because I was a student assistant, but I was spending more time with my political science friends. I quit the student assistantship program, and I was with them in classes and breaks.
And I remember when I first spent my break time with them. It was in the student lounge, and I said I wasn’t comfortable (being at the same table as them).
It took a lot of courage to say that because I was a people-pleaser, and saying it might make them hate me. I didn’t want that.
But that was true. I wasn’t comfortable. I needed to say it because that was part of my “training.” I wanted to be comfortable prioritizing myself.
I forgot what I did after saying that. I think I stayed and read Paper Towns (a book I brought), but I also think I went to the library where I could be alone.
One thing’s for sure, I spent so much time in the library from that day in 2014 until I graduated in 2017 — and I still had some discomfort being alone after that.
I am writing this in 2024, and there are “solo” things I find uncomfortable: For one, solo travel to a foreign country where people barely speak English.
But it’s not because of what people might think of me. It is because I won’t know what they think at all. There is a language barrier.
I stopped caring about people’s opinions about my aloneness in 2019, when I started working from home. I was at home, so I couldn’t hear them.
It took 5 years for me to learn how to be alone without worrying about what others think. So, don’t be pressured to do these things below.
1. Develop inner strength so that you don’t get affected if they think you are weird.
I think those who have inner strength are stronger than those who are just physically stronger.
You can overcome your problems if you are resilient, but your problems could kill you if all you have is the ability to punch.
Many people’s adult problems originate from their childhood. Children are generally physically weak, but they can grow into good adults if they know how to handle themselves and deal with their emotions.
Just because you don’t feel the trauma doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. PsychCentral says that even staying at a job you hate may be a choice you make because of a trauma you’re not aware of.
Those who use physical strength to resolve their problems go to jail, ruin their relationships because they are abusive, and don’t really reach a resolution.
You could die if someone like Dwayne Johnson punched you hard many times. But they resorted to that “solution” because they failed to control themselves.
The consequence of that becomes a new problem that they need to deal with on top of their other problems.
If they also dealt with it physically, a new problem would be added to their life.
It just becomes a cycle. One day, when you see them walking, you will be shocked there is a “problem” mountain behind them. The word “problem” is really there.
And then it becomes their label. That is how problematic people are made.
If you don’t want to be problematic, work on your inner strength more than or as much as you do with your physical strength.
2. Be physically strong to protect yourself from danger.
When I was in a nightclub with friends, a guy friend wanted me to drink even though I didn’t want to.
He grabbed my arms because I was shielding myself with those. He was trying to separate them so that he could get access to my mouth — so I could drink, not so he could kiss me.
He was standing, and I was sitting. I was cornered.
But he failed. I didn’t think he was hurting me because we were friends, and we were supposed to be having fun. But I felt like a champion when he failed.
He was using force at the time. I felt it. That is how I realized how strong I am. But I also realized how strong men are, or people with huge muscles regardless of gender.
I looked at his muscles: bigger than mine. How was I able to win over that, especially when he also used his legs to stop my legs from moving?
And I think it is because I am his friend, so the strength that I saw at that time was just the tip of the iceberg.
I liked that I was able to see my muscles in action. It felt like I was in an action movie, so I don’t consider it physical abuse. BetterHelp explains what physical abuse is if you want to know if you are a victim.
Maybe he was still controlling himself, exerting force but only to an extent that he thought I could handle.
If he was not a friend, what could he have done?
The point is, if you think other people are weak because your friends don’t even make you bleed, it is because they don’t want to hurt you.
If you met a stranger with evil thoughts and a cold heart, you could die.
3. In the beginning, be alone in places you are comfortable in. And then step out of your comfort zone.
I was in college when I started learning how to be alone without worrying about what others think, so the library was easily accessible.
I also rode a bus, a train, and a tricycle alone. I would plug in my earphones and spend the commute time with my thoughts.
Is there anything that you do now by yourself? Or is there a place near you where being alone is normal, such as a library?
You can start with what feels normal to you, and only you can answer that.
Intense attempts at stepping out of a comfort zone may shock you, resulting in an unfortunate consequence. wikiHow shares tips on how to do it properly.
Don’t feel pressured to take a huge leap because it may overwhelm you.
I can walk alone now around the city without any care about other people, but it was uncomfortable at the start.
I can eat alone without feeling anxious because people stare, but I wouldn’t even enter a restaurant years ago if I was alone.
4. If a group of people messes with you, they feel strong because they are in a group.
I once wondered why bullies are always in groups. I found out that it’s because they can easily get away with what they did if other people are involved.
The guilt is spread among the members, so they feel less guilty (obviously) and less bothered. Some would say, “It was his idea, so it’s his fault!”
They can pass the blame to each other like what volleyball players do to the ball, but within one team. They are scared of accountability.
According to Psychology Today, accountability is about the action done. If someone wants you to be accountable, it is not a way of attacking who you are. They just want you to take responsibility for what you did.
Another reason is that being around people who think similarly to them makes them feel validated, and that makes them more confident.
Birds of the same feather flock together. The enemy of my enemy is my friend.
If they are mad at Anna, and then they meet someone who is also mad at her, they will feel positive feelings for that someone. Instant friendship!
If their anger reaches the point where they want to kick her, and their new friend wants to kick her, too, they will likely kick her.
And that’s the best memory they will have until they mature and realize that Anna didn’t deserve to be kicked like they did.
But let’s remove that new friend from the picture. Would they still kick her? Of course not. They can’t pass the blame to others if they do it alone.
But could they still hurt her? Of course, they could but anonymously.
Anonymity could be their friend. Many people act too strongly when hurting others, but only if they think they can get away with it.
I just gave you a glimpse of the world of the bullies. So, if a group of people messes with you, you know why.
5. Hate people because it makes you stop caring about them.
A lot of people hate people. That is quite absurd because if you hate people, then you must hate everyone — and that is not the case.
These people love their families, their friends, and strangers who get along with them, as well as children because they are considered “innocent” and “pure.”
They just feel nothing for everyone else, especially those who do nothing but judge them and make them feel bad about their decisions.
You can be that person if you want to be alone without worries.
I personally hate people in general. In public, I look mean and heartless. But usually, only until I speak.
I thank everyone who does something for me. The security guard opening the door, the tricycle driver taking me home, the person taking my orders.
And I apologize to those I accidentally bump into. I walk fast on most days.
Positive Psychology says that thanking others will make others be thankful of others, too. There is a domino effect, so be grateful!
Just because you are alone doesn’t mean you should ignore everyone around you.
Being alone is, as I have observed, doing things without being supported by your family, your friends, and anyone close to you.
You will support yourself, do things for yourself, ask for help from strangers even if you feel somewhat bad for being an inconvenience to them, and so on.
It doesn’t mean isolating yourself, not being around people, not talking to people, and staying in your room for weeks on end.
You might be depressed if you do those.
Last Words
Why should you learn to be alone in the first place? Because no one can have power over you if you can stay sane after being abandoned, broken up with, and disrespected. People take your existence seriously.
Did this post on how to be alone help you be comfortable being alone?
If you enjoyed reading how to be alone without worrying about what others think, here is a video of me justifying my avoidant behavior:
